Joke

[peterbj7]

Not forgetting that the people he was warning were of course also British and regarded themselves as such.  It was the King's army they were opposed to, not "the British".

I've been reading an excellent book "Empire" by (Professor) Niall Ferguson, though I'm barely 1/4 of the way through.  An excellent read that I commend to anyone interested inter alles in how America came to be.

[clover]

There was a knock on the door this past Sunday morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ."

So I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk
about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

[ordep2]

 
 
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the
Farm in force.  By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally
Destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that
Bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find
No remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not
Too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the
man's tractor.   "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.

Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the
Tractor's' engine. 

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President
Of the United States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope.  They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered.  I done
Buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying
He wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies...   

 

[clover]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmdkNSXnFDc&playnext=1&list=PL3C660501D82FC229

[clover]

 Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
  The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.   It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery.   As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. 
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.  Would you like some?"  He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard".
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

[ragman]

Medical News..MIRACULOUS !!
     
         A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we can remove one man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

          The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

           A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

           The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us. In the U.S.A. about two years ago we grabbed a person out of the Senate with no brains, no heart, and no balls and we made him President of the United States. Now the whole country is looking for work!"

[rykat]

 

[ragman]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.  Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry,   1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Johnny,  'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Johnny's was the only hand in the air and he said;  'John F. Kennedy, 1961'. 

The teacher snapped at the class,  'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Johnny isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper:  '**** the Japs,' 

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.' 

At that point, a student in the back said,  'I'm gonna puke.' 

The teacher glares around and asks,  'All right!!!  Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. 

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'

Little Johnny said quietly, 'the American people, November 4, 2008.'

 

[ordep2]

"A government big enough to give you everything you need, is a government big
enough to take everything you have." - Thomas Jefferson
 
 
This came from a Marines wife. It says it all:
 
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power two and half years ago..
 
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Barack Obama took his Oath of office.
 
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President.
 
It was then that I realized how far America 's military had deteriorated…
 
Every one of them missed the bastard.

[ragman]

An answer I can understand.   
 

A tourist in a bar in Florida asks an Irishman sitting at the bar,
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the ****in' boat."

[ragman]

This is for us ah....older   seasoned posters;D

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.


Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with
tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a
place to live.


Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in he bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt ..."


Q: How can you increase the
heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: How can you avoid that
terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.


Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.


Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

[ragman]

What ever happened to that satellite?   

http://www.wimp.com/nasasatellite/

[ragman]

Hope my Canadian Friends out there have a sense of humor. 

A MAN IN A FLORIDA SUPERMARKET TRIES TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.

THE VERY YOUNG PRODUCE ASSISTANT TELLS HIM THAT THEY SELL ONLY WHOLE
HEADS OF LETTUCE .

THE MAN PERSISTS AND ASKS TO SEE THE MANAGER.

THE BOY SAYS HE'LL ASK HIS MANAGER ABOUT IT.

WALKING INTO THE BACK ROOM, THE BOY SAID TO HIS MANAGER, 'SOME ASSHOLE WANTS TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.' AS HE FINISHED HIS SENTENCE, HE TURNED TO FIND THE MAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM, SO HE ADDED, 'AND THIS GENTLEMAN HAS KINDLY OFFERED TO BUY THE OTHER HALF.'

THE MANAGER APPROVED THE DEAL, AND THE MAN WENT ON HIS WAY.

LATER THE MANAGER SAID TO THE BOY, 'I WAS IMPRESSED WITH THE WAY YOU GOT YOURSELF OUT OF THAT SITUATION EARLIER. WE LIKE PEOPLE WHO THINK ON THEIR FEET HERE. WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON?'

'CANADA , SIR,' THE BOY REPLIED.

'WELL, WHY DID YOU LEAVE CANADA ?' THE MANAGER ASKED.

THE BOY SAID, 'SIR, THERE'S NOTHING BUT WHORES AND HOCKEY PLAYERS UP THERE.'

'REALLY?' SAID THE MANAGER. 'MY WIFE IS FROM CANADA .'

'NO SHIT?' REPLIED THE BOY. 'WHO'D SHE PLAY FOR?'


 

[clover]

 A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
>
> A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He
> decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty
> flight attendant.
>
> So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline
> she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
>
> He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love to
> fly and it shows'.
>
> The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
>
> He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 'Winning the
> hearts of the world'.
>
> Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
>
> Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines
> motto. 'Going beyond expectations'.
>
> The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?'
>
> 'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "Air Canada."

[clover]

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I
Bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought
It with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,

You guessed it:

Her share of the lotto winnings....

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while
She gets undressed When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is
Barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"