Word

[deadserious]

Just a common misunderstanding.

[clover]

Jason...this would be a joke.

Mens helpline:
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.  Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[clover]

There's more!!!

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your ****ing will power'


Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

 

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did. A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time, she said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '

 

Snow in the forecast!  The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!

 

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'



I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

[clover]

Getting old in Florida:


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
**********************************************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbour in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlour in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids

[clover]

 I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me,
> an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for pounds. It was obvious
> she was a little irritated. . . . .
>
> She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat pounds fo yen.
> Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change ?'
>
> The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'
>
> The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!''
.

[clover]

As I registered at a hotel recently, I said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
 
"No," she says, " It's regular porn, you sick bastard."

[clover]

 Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.

 "What is your name"?  asked the teacher.

 "Mohammed". . ..  answered the kid.

 "You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," ?replied the teacher.

 In the evening, Mohammed returned  home. "How was your day, Mohammed?"
 asked his mother.

 "My name is not Mohammed. I'm in  America and now my name is Johnny."

 "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are  you trying to dishonor your parents, your
 heritage, your religion? Shame on  you!" ? and she beat him.

 Then she called his father and he too beat him.

 The next day Mohammed returned to school.

 When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

 "Well ma'am, 20 hours after becoming  an American, I was attacked by two friggin Arabs."

[clover]

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO
      A man and  his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on  the door..
The man gets up and goes to the door where a  drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is  asking for a push.
     "Not a chance," says the  husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning
     He slams  the door and returns to bed.
      "Who was that?"  asked his wife.
      "Just some drunk guy asking for a  push," he answers.
      "Did you help him?" she  asks.
      "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning  and it is pouring rain out there!"
      "Well, you have a short  memory," says his wife. "Can't you re member about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped  us?
      I think you should help him, and you should be  ashamed of yourself!"
      The man does as he is told,  gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
      He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you  still there?"
      "Yes," comes back the  answer.
      "Do you still need a push?" calls out the  husband.
      "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the  dark.
      "Where are you?" asks the  husband..
      "Over here on the swing set," replied the  drunk..     
 
 
 
 

[clover]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...


'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'

[clover]

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this pub is I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink. Then another. All the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[ragman]

Advice from Larry; the farmer next door.

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately:  Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .  .  .  . 
Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border..
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Think about this:
1.  Cows
2.  The Constitution
3.  The Ten Commandments

COWS:

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington?  And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.  But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.  Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...why don't we just give them ours?  It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and Obama's not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.

[azbob]

Oh how ture, but are you sure this wasn't Larry The Cable Guy??

[clover]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQRMvg5TAl8

[ragman]

These holes are not only amazing, but some are really terrifying!
The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are.
Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa

Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world,
this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons
of diamonds before being closed.
Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California

A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs
to be drained from the reservoir. It is the largest spillway of this type
in the world and consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.
Great Blue Hole , Belize

This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole
is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize .
There are numerous blue holes around the world,
but none as stunning as this one.
Sinkhole in Guatemala

These photos are of a sinkhole that occurred in Guatemala .
The hole swallowed 2 dozen homes and killed at least 3 people.
SHIT HOLE, Washington D.C.

This hole swallows trillions and trillions of U.S. Dollars annually!
The money that falls into this hole is never heard from again!
It is reported to be filled with at least 535 'ass holes'.

[ragman]

By the way Thank you Mike Clover for you technical assistance that allowed me to make that last post.  (that is not a joke)