Blonde

[ragman]

San DiegoWoman Shot in Head
 

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and  Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.
 
The defective biscuit canister! was analyzed and it was determined to be Bush's  fault.

[ragman]

Speak  German?
 
In Mason , Texas , where there is a  large German speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices
a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The farmer  shouted: 'Trink das Wasser nicht.  Die Kuehe haben da reingeschissen (Which  means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.’ ) 
The man shouted  back: 'I'm from New York and  just down here campaigning for Obama's health care
plan, I can't understand you.  Please speak in English.'  The farmer  replied:
 'Use two hands, you'll  get more water.'

[ragman]

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address
a major gathering of the American Indian Nation
two weeks ago in upstate New York.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for
increasing every Native American's present
standard of living.  He referred to his time as
a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every
Native American issue that came to the floor
of the Senate.

Although President Obama was vague about
the details of his plans, he seemed most
enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about
his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes
presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with
his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."

The proud President Obama accepted the plaque
and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser,
waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs
how they came to select the new name they had
given to the President. 

 
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given
to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

[ragman]

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.