Jim's Smiles

[ragman]

This is amazing -- it's a simple mathematical exercise that can predict your favorite movie.
It must have been created by a real genius. Don't know how it works, but it works every time!

Be honest & don't look at the movie list below till you've done the math!
Okay, just humor me and do it!
Try this test & find out what movie is your favorite.
This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 movies you would enjoy the most.
It really works, for MOST of us anyway!

Movie Quiz:

1. Pick a number from 1-9.

2. Multiply by 3.

3. Add 3.

4. Multiply by 3 again.

5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below:






 



 



 



 






Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

Now, ain't that something? Just hope that it actually works out that way. 



 

[clover]

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in ten years."
He said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!

[ragman]

 Redneck History - a condensed version...
>
> For those that don't know about history ... Here is a
> condensed
> version:>
>
> Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
> nomadic
> hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains
> during the
> summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and
> lobster in the
> winter.
>
> The two most important events in all of history were the
> invention of
> beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented
> to get man
> to the beer. These were the foundation of modern
> civilization and
> together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity
> into two
> distinct subgroups:
>
> 1 . Liberals
> 2. Conservatives.
>
> Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was
> the beginning
> of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
> were invented
> yet, so while our early humans were sittingaround waiting
> for them to
> be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's
> how villages
> were formed.
>
> Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to
> BBQ at
> nightwhile they were drinking beer. This was the beginning
> of what is
> known as the Conservative movement...
>
> Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
> learned to live
> off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's
> and doing the
> sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning
> of the
> Liberal movement.
>
> Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
> They became
> known as girlie-men. Some note worthy liberal achievements
> include the
> domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
> group hugs, and
> the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide
> the meat and
> beer that conservatives provided.
>
> Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the
> largest, most
> powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
> symbolized by
> the jackass for obvious reasons.
>
> Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but
> most prefer
> white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
> like their
> beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
> liberal
> fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of
> their women
> have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
> social
> workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers
> in
> Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals
> invented the
> designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the
> pitcher also
> bat.
> Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller.
> They eat red
> meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are
> big game
> hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,construction workers,
> firemen,
> medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate
> executives, athletes, members of the military, airline
> pilots and
> generally anyone who works productively.
>
> Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
> who want to
> work for a living.
>
> Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
> producers
> and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
> Europeans
> are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of
> the liberals
> remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to
> America .. They
> crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
> business of trying
> to get more for nothing.
>
> Here ends today's lesson in world history:
>
> It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge
> to
>
> angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
>
> A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
> the
> absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
> immediately to
> other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them
> off.
>
> And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your
> true
> self.....I'm going to have another beer.

[ragman]

DIVORCE AGREEMENT -- This is so incredibly well-put, and I can hardly believe it's by a young person, a student!! 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressive, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et. al.:

We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.

2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.

3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.

5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.

6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

7. We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.

8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.

9. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

15. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors..

17. We'll continue to believe healthcare is an earned luxury and not a right.

18. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."

19. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World".

20. We'll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

21. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our constitution and our flag.

22. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S..: And you won't have to "Press 1 for English" when you call our country.

**If you can't stand behind our Military, Please feel free to stand in front of them! **

[ragman]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down
when he saw him. He had never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so
glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back,
I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every
Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and
figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to
leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal 'ya decided you would
rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat." 

[ragman]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.   

[clover]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down
when he saw him. He had never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so
glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back,
I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every
Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and
figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to
leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal 'ya decided you would
rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat." 

I'm a real fan of Irish jokes

[ragman]

In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor:  Barocky Road

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.  The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.  The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
 
The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!
 
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

      You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is all about.
 
 Aren't you just stimulated?

[clover]

 The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!"
 

[clover]

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.


I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that .

Never mind.

[clover]

A Letter to the Men's Helpline:


Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.  Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[clover]

 Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

 Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed
 at night.

 So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every time
 I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm
 going crazy.'

 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
 talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those
 fears..'

 'How much do you charge?'

 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor.

 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

 Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
 come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

 'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
 lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
 saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
 did a bartender cure you?'
 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'


 SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

[clover]

I always tried hard in school, but I did not do well in Biology....
    In biology class, we were asked what are two things commonly found
    in cells................


    Apparently, Negroes and Mexicans was not a correct answer.

[clover]

On his death bed, Earl Woods gave Tiger the following advice:

"Focus on golf. F**k everything else!!"

[clover]

 Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.

 "What is your name"?  asked the teacher.

 "Mohammed". . ..  answered the kid.

 "You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," ?replied the teacher.

 In the evening, Mohammed returned  home. "How was your day, Mohammed?"
 asked his mother.

 "My name is not Mohammed. I'm in  America and now my name is Johnny."

 "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are  you trying to dishonor your parents, your
 heritage, your religion? Shame on  you!" ? and she beat him.

 Then she called his father and he too beat him.

 The next day Mohammed returned to school.

 When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

 "Well ma'am, 20 hours after becoming  an American, I was attacked by two f**king Arabs."