Jim's Smiles

[ragman]

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.


2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.


3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)


4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.


5. Write partners name on your hand in case you can't remember.


6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.


7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.


8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf, too.


9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!


10. Don't even think about trying it twice.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Lets go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.


'OLD' IS WHEN....

getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.


'OLD' IS WHEN....

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

[ragman]

 

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Obama were in a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman

[ragman]

Railroad tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in Scotland, and Scottish expatriates designed the US railroads.
Why did the Scottish build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in Scotland, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including Scotland) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels... Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever....So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?’ you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of two horses' asses.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important! Ancient horses' asses control almost everything... And current Horses' Asses in government are controlling everything else.

AND HERE ENDETH THE LESSON!
 
 

[peterbj7]

Very clever, and absolutely spot-on!

[clover]

The guy who sent this to me was too shy to post it.....imagine that

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, Wally
salesman... and so forth..
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when
the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an
exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in
front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the
offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all
night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and
helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front
of the other kids."

[ragman]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points To a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when He hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees
A couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding somebody else's bicycle.   

[ragman]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.


When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? "

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

[ragman]

WIFE FROM HELL 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'



'Only when he's been drinking.!!'

[ragman]

A man washed up on a deserted island after a shipwreck, along with a sheep and a sheepdog. After being there awhile, he got into the habit
 of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with
 beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better
 and better to the lonely man.

 As he leaned over to put his arm around the sheep, the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm
 away. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon,the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and
 told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

 He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'   

[ragman]

Physicist Analyzes Sandra Fluke's Birth Control Expenses

Many of you have likely seen the heart rending testimony of Ms. Sandra Fluke, a law student at Georgetown University, before a Congressional Committee this week. She was lamenting that no one would subsidize her birth control expenses, which she claimed would amount to $3000 during her three years in law school. After watching Ms. Fluke describe her desperate situation I set to thinking of ways to help her out of her crisis.

First, of course I had to pass through the grieving period I experienced after hearing of her inhumane treatment at the hands of  the  Georgetown administration and our Government – what cruelty lurks in the heart of men that they would leave this poor woman to fend for herself when all she wanted to do was get laid seven times a day (see my analysis below).

Once I recovered from my grief, I set to thinking about ways to help this poor girl. Being a Physicist, I sat down with my calculator and worked through some numbers. Ms. Fluke’s expense account for birth control (aka sexual entertainment) was claimed to be $3000 for three years at law school. Let’s presume that as an educated woman she wants to be doubly safe and uses both birth control pills to prevent pregnancy and condoms to prevent STD (sexually transmitted disease).

Using the Wal-Mart cost for birth control pills of $9 per month, her birth control pills will cost her $324 for her entire law school career (if you can call it a career – I can think of other names). This leaves only $2676 for her condoms.

I went to Amazon.com, and found quality condoms available for 33 cents each in packages of 60 condoms each. This cost includes tax and shipping. Since she has $2676 for her 33 cent condoms, she will be buying 8109 condoms during her law school “career”.

To use her 8109 condoms (remember, $3000 was Ms. Flukes’ own number) she would have to have sex 7 times a day. This number presumes that she has sex ten times a day on Sundays when she has more free time.

So, having worked through these numbers, I have some suggestions for Ms. Fluke to help her work through her crisis:

1.      Find dates who are gentlemanly enough to either provide their own condoms, or at least split the cost with her. Selection criteria is the key to this one.

2.      Spend more time studying. Even seven “quickies” a day will seriously cut into quality study time. This would not only save money but would improve her education as well.

3.      Seek funding from the EPA from one of their Wetlands Protection programs – surely Ms. Flukes’ nether regions would qualify as  wetlands given sex seven times a day.

Just trying to help out a starving student.

By the way, the average starting salary of new Georgetown Law School graduates is $160,000 a year, FYI.   

Booth R. Myers, PhD

[clover]

That IS a joke

[ragman]

That IS a joke

Yes, it is a joke on the American Taxpayer who must support all this bull shit and it is being perpetrated by Numbnuts and his merry bunch of Liberals. 
I will admit there isn’t much for me to laugh about. 

[clover]

That IS a joke

Yes, it is a joke on the American Taxpayer who must support all this bull shit, huge tax breaks for the wealthy, welfare for the largest corporations, foreign wars that can never be won and social engineering promulgated by the religious right.
I will admit there isn’t much for me to laugh about. 

Just thought I'd fix your quote to ensure accuracy

[ragman]

I knew I had a retirement fund somewhere.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have     received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American.   

[ragman]

People born before 1946 were called The Silent and
powerful generation
-People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The
Baby Boomers
-People born between 1965 and 1979 are called
Generation X
-And people born between 1980 and 2012 are called
Generation Y

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?


Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

(I don't know how to post the cartoon but it is young person wearing his pants half way down his butt) You can plainly see why they are called the Y generation)